My Child Speaks

My Child Speaks
and the dark angel gave the white angel a feather from his wing, the only thing to destroy him, could she use it............

Sunday 20 November 2011

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: Cruel Intentions

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: Cruel Intentions: Meeting with my destiny A future filled with cruel Intentions Your love is black and cold in daylight And I am blinded by your pres...

Cruel Intentions

Meeting with my destiny
A future filled with cruel Intentions
Your love is black and cold in daylight

And I am blinded by your presence
Don't you know me
Don't you recognize me
Yes I am raw, skinless
Look what you have done to me

I know you now
I see you now
Unmasked through the eyes of a child
I know you and I know all of you
I SEE you now


Wednesday 9 November 2011

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: YOUR RESPONSIBILITY NOW

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: YOUR RESPONSIBILITY NOW: We have given everything and done all that has been asked of us, soon we shall stand up in court and break the silence of the most unspeak...

Tuesday 8 November 2011


We have given everything and done all that has been asked of us, soon we shall stand up in court and break the silence of the most unspeakable abuse. Once we have spoken we can do no more. To the Justice System and to the Jury our ABUSER is now YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!! To my children, Be strong once more, I hear you! I HEAR YOU, I HEAR YOU NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!!!! I AM IN AWE OF YOU, I AM THE LUCKIEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD TO HAVE YOU AS MY CHILDREN. BE BRAVE MY HEROES FOR I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MUM XX

Sunday 25 September 2011

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: Nothing To Say?

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: Nothing To Say?: I guess there is times when I have nothing to say ( unbelievable you might think ) Times when I guess nothing comes out. Limbo is where we...

Nothing To Say?

I guess there is times when I have nothing to say ( unbelievable you might think ) Times when I guess nothing comes out. Limbo is where we are, our lives in the hands of others, a scary thought when you have lost faith in the world. Time will eventually run out and catch us all. I only hope for us there is a future or at least it will bring an end to the emotional turmoil that this long road to justice has inflicted on us.

Monday 8 August 2011


Guilt is visiting me today with a vengeance. Mainly because I had visited a survivors blog where in she blames her mother because she did not see what was happening to her when she was abused. I found it incredibly painful to read. I am at a loss to explain how your child can be abused under your nose. All I can say is that is where the grooming part comes in. As a mother I asked questions, actually I never stopped but I always came up against a brick wall.

Their abuser had an answer for everything. My children too scared to say anything that might give the abuse away and forced to protect the abuser, doctors who think you are an anxious and over protective mother and don't listen to a word you have to say.

In the end I believed that whatever my senses were telling me was all in my head and that I was mentally ill. It was what everyone around was implying. I too am well aware I failed to protect my children and yes I let them down. I live with this and it is unbearable and inexcusable. I will never be able to heal the damage that it has done.

Friday 5 August 2011

Could you....

Could you take my hand
And lead me into the rain
So I can be clean again......

Emotional Drowning

There is a state or condition in life when your mind is overloaded with pain, not physical pain but a pain so intense it is like emotional drowning. It is very hard to explain this because I have never spoken to another mum who has heard her children speak about physical and sexual abuse. At first as I listened, it was anger the likes of I never imagined I could feel that took over. I made the mistake of trying to help them by letting them talk about the abuse to me, mainly because there was no one else to help.

I tried not to let my anger and pain show. To do this I had to leave anger in the background,only to be overwhelmed with indescribable, unbearable emotional  pain that surfaced. In many ways it was easier to deal with the anger and still is but then that only leads you to self destruct. You turn the anger on yourself out of pure frustration of not being able to get your hands on the bastard.

The result of taking on this mammoth task was that literally it almost killed me. I write this to let you know that the lack of help and support when you are in this nightmare is unforgivable. I know I am still raw yet but I also know nothing will ever, ever make me whole again. What is left of me is barely nothing and what is left of my children is frighteningly unknown.

To the outside world you would never know if you passed us in the street but we hold our masks tight after all the children use them like second skins, of course they have lived with these masks for a long time.

Monday 1 August 2011


Pick up a pen and write what you feel
If your preference is paint then express
With colour and bare your emotions
Pay no attention to those doubting thought
A toddlers scribble can be as valuable
As an old master's painting
We all have something to share and each of us
Has the power to enlighten

You have earnt the right by
Stepping in the footsteps of life
Remember communication is all that matters
Perfection is silent but mistakes speak volumes
Be yourself for I am not a writer
But you are here sharing with me
Reclaim your voice and empower yourself

Sunday 31 July 2011

The Fight Goes On

As the title suggests, even when I am not visible I am still fighting. Stress causes illness, avoid stress ! And I think your having a laugh. Seriously though, if it is not one it is the other. 
Oh, for a holiday on a cozy beach where the sun shines until it is time to sleep and yes you are all invited too!
I have been quite too long and it is time for this mum to let rip and sort what is not being done, seems I spend my life these days pushing everyone else into action without the benefits of being paid.
Letting David Cameron our PM know we feel your cuts and wondering if the bankers are enjoying the high life as usual mmmmmmmmm.
Hugs to you all x

Monday 18 July 2011


Sorry its been a while since I have blogged mainly due to family stuff, so limited to what I can say but I have missed you all, sometimes you can be so distracted with your blog that it can become an escape from reality. It is something I must be more aware of. For me it is hard to step out from myself and my own mind. Thoughts and memories are not easily to escape from unless I plunge myself into something else and get completely involved in it but then I neglect other things needing my attention. My children must always be first.

Wednesday 29 June 2011

Wednesday's Quote For My Friends!

 In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

microsoft office image

Monday 27 June 2011

Mental Murder

One of those nights where I want to sleep but I cannot. I remember a story recently in the news, the story of Milly Dowler who went missing 9 years ago and died at the hands of Levi Bellfield. What keeps going round in my head is her parents remarks after the trail. Giving evidence as witnesses was too high a price to pay! I will come back to this case later.

 A question that I would like answered is why nobody in child abuse cases considers the mental murder of a child. The trauma to a child with this crime is never really mentioned or when it is, never in detail or given much thought or recognition. It is merely directed away from our attention the same way you would stop a child viewing violence on the television. We are not children so why is this not given its precedence.
A child is not an adult mentally or physically and where the body heals the mind never does. To commit such a crime to a child will mean that child as it existed no longer exists. The child's childhood ceases. It is a crime that goes without punishment or proper consideration because again I say we cannot admit that some of our kind can commit such a premeditated act of inhumanity. It is never truly examined by us or given any sense of explanation because it is not carried on the outside of the body but on the inside, unseen and unheard much like the crime itself.

Coming back to the Milly Dowler Case, there is far too much redirection in court cases where upon the victim is the one who is somewhat at fault and has in someway encouraged the crime itself. In the case of Milly Dowler the defence apparently placed the blame onto her parents by attacking their reputations.This form of defence is acceptable in our justice system. A family who had their much loved daughter abducted, abused and murdered. Persuaded as witnesses went into the trail of their daughter's abuser and murderer and whilst on the stand had the blame somehow directed onto them in an unbelievable attempt to excuse this mans crime. Has the world gone mad!!!!! 
Seemingly not according to the Law. It is OK to do this to enable a fair trail for the Child Abusing Murderer! Fact is the truth is all too ugly for us so we have to find an excuse for it somewhere and as the Dowler family were on the stand and not poor Milly ( who would of been blamed) it was her parents who were left totally humiliated and distraught. The saddest thing of all is the Dowler family have said that if they knew how they were going to be treated they would never of taken the stand so what message has the Justice System sent out to other victims! 

As a human being and with common sense my heart goes out to the Dowler family and their lovely Milly.
For me personally I fear for my children.

Sunday 26 June 2011

Everybody Hurts

microsoft images

Just been visiting one of the many blogs I visit. A blog I love to visit because of my admiration for this person and all she has endured and continues to battle with. As I left her a message and was about to leave I glance over her blog in case I had missed something and low and behold there it was. One of those mini gadgets that if you press play it plays a song the blogger has put on her blog. Only it wasn't the gadget itself but the song she had chosen.

Today I had had a normal day, haven't really had one of those for ages. A day when my brain was at peace within itself, calm almost asleep. It enabled me to catch up on all the jobs that I had been neglecting and I hardly had one flashback or thought about the reality of our lives. Yes a normal day, I am not sure how it happened or if I will have another but I have felt a release today and felt good at what I have been able to accomplish in one day. I have even made plans to fix the floor in the bathroom and redecorate it too, something I have had absolutely no motivation or even a thought for over these last months.

So there I was I had just sat down after running around catching up on all my chores. Taking up my position for the night.  Feet up, coffee in hand and laptop on lap. A lot of the time I try not to listen to music because of the emotional effect it has on my moods but coming face to face with this song I knew I was going to listen to it and yes I knew it would take me back to a place I am afraid to go back to, because of the pain and utter despair I was feeling, felt. The song R.E.M. Everybody Hurts and if you have been where I was you will know what this song is about and if you do in the words of R.E.M. Hold On !!!

Saturday 25 June 2011

Raining Troubles Away

Rain bursts from 
The summer time sky
Caught unaware we are
Sent into hysterical laughter
Like devilish kids up to
Silly, reckless nonsense

The noise of thunder
Cannot scare us
But invites a daily doze of
Welcomed excitement
Into our lives

Your blissful childish squeals 
Chase off our troubles
Sending them
Mixing and swirling with
Newly turned garden soil
And leaves cast from the tree washing together as they sweep Down a path 
Forced by the rain
 Hitting the kerb oversized raindrops
Bounce and splatter into
The gutter where they
Meet a timely end
  Down the greedy gurgling drain

Wednesday 22 June 2011

Wednesday's Quote

microsoft images
“The world is not dangerous because of those who do harm but because of those who look at it without doing anything”  Albert Einstein


 Purgatory meaning:  Any place or state of temporary suffering or oblivion.

Ever get days when your just not yourself ? Well we all have them in life, only mine are becoming more and more frequent. As this journey of ours has no end in sight, thought by now the daunting experience of court would be just a memory. I for the love of god wonder how we get anyone sentenced in our country. We live our lives in purgatory, stuck from moving forwards or backwards.

Time has no meaning here and instead of feeling free we feel restrained. I really don't know how I never saw this world before, such a cruel and unjust place. I am appalled by the way society treats each other, what I once regarded as capable is all too incapable.

I look around this very sad world today and all I see is failure, enhanced by a bunch of over indulgent political idiots bumbling and fumbling their way into power. With no real life experience they turn their target onto the most vulnerable in society who seem to always be paying for man kinds debt.  

For our part, we recognize that even in this life some punishments are purgatorial--not, indeed, to those whose life is none the better, but rather the worse for them, but to those who are constrained by them to amend their life. Saint Augustine City of God

Sunday 19 June 2011

Happy Non Abusing Fathers Day

Happy Father's Day to all non abusing fathers today. Take the time to reflect on how lucky you were/are to of had such a man for a father. Perhaps you will spare a thought for the children who were/are not so lucky too. There are many who use the title of father for there own purpose. The fathers who abuse and willingly destroy the very essence of childhood. The damage they do can never ever be measured. For the children of these fathers today I am thinking of you X.

Friday 17 June 2011


My tongue lies bitten 
Between my teeth
Snared against its will
Restricted words 
Not spoken  

It ignites the flame
Breeding life to anger  
Consuming and fueling 
It ravishes from within
Winning the battle for 
Control without justice

Prescribed a pill
Green little bullet
Causing the monster to
Return to its cave
To sit in submission
For now

Thursday 16 June 2011

Tuesday 14 June 2011



 All I ever wanted in life was to be able to understand. I have spent many hours searching, reading, talking and learning. Why is the only question never to be answered. Something even a child knows, I remember my children used to think it very funny when I gave an answer they would reply why. This would carry on no matter how many answers I gave them, followed by bouts of laughter.

Life, nothing ever made sense to me, I could try to explain it but because I did not understand what I was seeing, it was hard to put into words. Many people that suffer in this world will ask why, worst of all our children. to which I will never begin to understand.

I am not a religious person, I believe in one god yes, I don't belong to a church and I don't preach religion but I do get annoyed when I hear people blaming God for our suffering. My reasons are very clear to me, all too often man/woman uses him as an escape goat. Responsibility for our health and lives lies with us. People who hurt others must accept their responsibility and their friends, mothers, cousins, brothers or sisters must stop giving them excuses. Lenient sentences are dished out on a daily basis in our courts because perpetrators of crime can give so many excuses as to why it was not their fault.

We accept these excuses because as humans we cannot face up to our own kinds ability to commit such vile and cruel acts. I thoroughly believe that God does not make monsters, responsibility for that lies with us.

Sunday 12 June 2011

We Met For The Last Time

microsoft office

 Who the hell are you !
And the sensation of
Fear tingles up my spine
Flashing back to when we
last met !

I swallow my voice
Deep within a desperate
Gulp of air contaminated
By the scent of your presence

Flicker at Fight or flight
But I haven't got time
I find sanctuary by
Sliding inside my mind

As I lock you out behind
The thorny gate I see your
Filthy bloody fingers
Probing through

Hidden watching from
Far as you engulf my body
Crushing and constricting as
You entwine yourself around me

I step further back as the pain
threatens its way in
Focusing on your screaming lips
But unable to hear what is
So violently vomiting out of you

I reside myself to ride the
the waves of your anger
Praying that the storm will
calm and I shall return to me
Safely without too much damage

Friday 10 June 2011




microsoft clipart

I was looking at my comments today, I was left a message from a survivor saying how she wished she had a mother like me. It was such a lovely comment and it helped me to cry ( something I find hard to do ) even if it was just a little, because all I want to do is be able to cry, cry, cry and cry. Why would such a lovely comment make anyone cry. I cry because how can I be all that I want to be to my children when they were being abused right under my nose. 

Thursday 9 June 2011


I am going no where very fast. Sometimes I think we are pushing forward and then I realise we are back where we started. Yesterday I took one of my children to Family Therapy, yes we had been before but there has been a revamp of the center and our previous therapist has retired. So we were met by two new therapists. Of course everyone does things differently and though they seem very keen I still feel like we are further back than what we were in the first place.

They wanted to know what we wanted from them, it threw me a little because sometimes I just feel like I am the one teaching everyone else what to do, what to look for, what we need and how to help. Do they really have the experience and knowledge to actually help ease the pain of my child.

I feel that they are just not "getting it". I am a mother, my children disclosed abuse to me, I am out of my depth here, why are you asking me what to do ? Why is there no one available who can help my child to cope and help make sense of what has happened ? When you disclose and ask for help there should be someone there to help.

Only last year I asked about EMDR. Have to check with the courts incase we contaminate evidence. Asked again yesterday and they say same thing again, really they should know this.  I was able to tell them the answer because I picked the phone up and asked the court myself it was not hard, really!
What it comes down to is I have lost faith all over again and trying to hide it from my child in the hope that its just my stupid anxieties and that the next meeting will hold some promise of competence and help.

Microsoft Clipart RF/Corbis

What I would give to be on top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere and be able to scream out my frustration.

Saturday 4 June 2011

Dead Rainbows

Rainbow girl in all her glory
Head high lost in a dizzy sky
Donating bags of precious trust 
Oblivious careless child 
 Skirting the dust of deceit

Curiosity lead her astray
Straight to the Storm Spreader
Trapped little bird
Caged within his grip

 Black clouds eclipsed the day
Spears of light spat and
Scorched at her skin
As she ran bleeding
Footprints on the grass

Cursed and grounded now
Eyes torn open wide to see
Devastation grew from her seed
To be planted forever in her path
Dead rainbows have no colour


Photo from microsoft office

Thursday 2 June 2011

The Power In Our Hands

The power of the Internet, in today's world we have found ourselves one of the biggest voices that will ever be heard. Heard not by a few but by millions, society can no longer silence the injustices of man. We have found a way to be heard, to speak out. The internet has taken over from where society has failed, giving an outlet for those suffering but no longer in silence. We have the ability to communicate with people all over the world. The crimes against children in all its forms of abuse will not be accepted or covered up and hidden anymore. People cannot turn the other way because it will not be possible to silence millions demanding change, demanding Justice.

Wednesday 1 June 2011

POLL RESULTS 01/06/2011

For my own benefit I ran a Poll because I wanted to know what kind of effect the justice system has on victims of child abuse coming forward to report it to the Authorities in the year 2011. It was ran over 60 days. A big thank you to all of you who took part. The results do speak for themselves.

Question : If You Were A Victtim Of Child Abuse Did You Report It To The Authorities ?

1. Yes I Reported It                      15%

2. Yes But Did Not Report It         69%

3. Yes But No Further Action
     Was Taken                               15%

4. Yes But I Dropped The
     Charges                                       0%

Monday 30 May 2011


To me it is true to say, you can never know all of someone. There are many sides to all of us, to help you understand. All of us have the ability to mask how we are feeling, hide our lives from view. I can walk down the road and meet you, I smile we do the usual pleasantries but unbeknown to you I have just walked out of an argument. You see what I portray to you or what I want to portray to you. A person has many mirrors to themselves each reflecting parts of their personalities. We all adapt to situations we are in and the people we are with. The chap at the bar, always pleasant and quiet leaves the pub, goes home and beats his wife. The woman who cheats on her husband when supposedly visiting her sister. The nursery nurse who abuses the children in her care. We all need to start remembering that these events happen every day and it is awareness that will help us to protect. Our lives are so full of distractions that sometimes we miss what is really going on around us.

Sunday 29 May 2011


Justice sorry no such thing, why, because the people in charge, the government who make our laws are detached from the reality of child abuse. They come from a world in which the only way pain is inflicted upon them is through money. Money talks and loudly, they would pay to keep a Bank Robber in jail but not a Paedophile. Theft of money hurts them more than the effects of people who rape and abuse children. To them its something that they have no empathy with, they too are abusers, abusers of power who do not and can not empathize with the pain, trauma and psychological effects of such an act on a child never mind an adult. They choose not to see, they choose to believe an abuser is sorry, give them bail, light sentences that in no way reflects the crime. Reality check, it only serves to encourage these vile crimes. They house them within our communities with our children. They have their opportunities to re offend handed to them on a plate. We accept this, we have not been able to find an alternative to deal with child abusers because we choose to ignore what is happening right under our noses. Is there an answer or a solution, my belief is there is an answer for everything, we may not know it yet but if we all opened our eyes and ears together we could find one.



Saturday 28 May 2011

Here Come The Boys, Introducing Rick Belden

A real treat for you, visit my Guest Blog and say hello to Rick Belden, an extraordinary man, supporting and speaking out by giving a voice to the Male Survivors. Show him some support, leave him a comment and visit him at his web site.


Friday 27 May 2011


I don't see myself as a rock, maybe a large pebble. It is not easy to stay strong and keep fighting. If I am a rock then my children are as much a rock to me. We support each other. Today I went to speak to someone, to let go and release some stress. Just having that little outlet has done me the world of good. Talking is the best medicine for the troubled mind so people keep talking.

Wednesday 25 May 2011

Guest Blog

I have started a new blog, it is a guest blog, where I am inviting advocates and survivors supporting the fight against abuse to share their stories, knowledge and ideas to help us all bring awareness enabling us to protect children. Our guests today are Lizzie McGlynn author of "I Forgive You Daddy" and up and coming new poet Kathleen Freeman. Please take a moment to visit us here. Educate, learn and leave us a comment of support. If you have something to share and would like to guest contact by Direct Message on Twitter, In Comment Box  below or Email me at email below. Thank you.



Tuesday 24 May 2011

Sharing Trust

I was asked to guest blog by Vales mom last week, I wanted to say thank you, thank you for letting me share with you and your audience it has given my self esteem a very much needed boost. I would like to say thank you to all of you, knowing you hear me is a great comfort to me. Especially those of you who have been kind enough to leave a comment on my blog. I am trying to regain my trust in humanity and your kind words are a great support. In my first guest blog I have taken a leap of faith and I am sharing with you a little bit of me during the day my heart broke. The website is here for you

Monday 23 May 2011

Screwed Over

My children suffer from PTSD, DID, life is hard and we are unable to move on. Attendance is not always easy when it comes to school or college or anything else for that matter. Today one of them lost a college placement and it has been given to someone else due to poor attendance over the last term. Yes no matter what you suffer with if you have poor attendance they can do it, there is always a way around the Disability Discrimination Act. I know if it wasn't for the ups and downs of waiting for this court case this would not have happened, the stress along with the disabilities is all too much  for them. Their suffering goes on and there is nothing I can do about it. Be proud of our Justice System, who is being punished here? Devastated and as my child did not so politely put it "Once again I have been screwed over."

Sunday 22 May 2011

Chasing Sleep

I lie in my bed most nights listening to my child. Sleep does not come easy, memories are a plague for my children, what must it be like to be petrified to close your eyes for fear of what you might see. My child says it transports you back to the time of abuse. The abuse is happening right in front of my child standing at the memory. To close your eyes and relive it night after night and what can I do to help, sometimes child will come into my room when it is really bad. We make child a bed on the floor at the bottom of mine as child is too big to sleep with me now. Just lately it is getting worse, I am not really sure what to do any more. Does abuse never leave them alone. So tired today.

Saturday 21 May 2011

Blind Abuse

Notice him
Stolen and lost from life
He's sat within himself
A nameless being in search
Of an identity

Ordered when to move
And gagged from speech
Left alone and dreading the
Time he is abused

Comforted only by
His thoughts of revenge
But too young to act
He recoils in fear as
Memories flash back

His only way out
To release his voice
From behind the gag
Or hide himself
Deep inside his
Wounded soul.

Golden Silence

Winter nights and huddling closer
Xmas tree and twinkling tinsel
Dangling baubles red and bold
Tasty countdown advent treats
consumed as comfort to sooth
Your twisting aching belly

Beneath the tree lies the secret 
Shiny gifts yet to be told
Special attention paid and due
He wraps your gift with precision
Sheets of shimmering star like paper
Sticky tape licked from his hungry fingers
Tagged with a note and a Xmas quote

The promised time arrives
Exchanging gifts in golden silence
Silver lined and holding safe
The poisonous secret

Trembling with excitement within his groin
As he waits to claim his dirty gift
Chosen by his lust for domination 
Not given with will but
Greedily snatched from
Your Innocent hands

Thursday 19 May 2011

Ignorance Mr Clark

Today has been a day of terrible disappointment to me. We are trying to bring about change by educating the general public on child abuse. All abuse is unacceptable. We are educating so they can arm themselves through knowledge and  face up to abuse enabling better protection for our children. Well slap me back down, because yet again the voice of ignorance rears its ugly head in the form of Ken Clarke. Typically he cannot find it in his political head to apologize for his hurtful remark on how "some rapes are not as bad as others". If he only knew what it is like to be raped, he would of been struck dumb before uttering such dribble. When are the goverment and its justice system going to stop making excuses for the crime of  Rape. Have the guts to face up to the impact of Rape on someone's life and stop belittling this Crime. Is it any wonder that in Edinburgh today a  member of a Paedophile Gang had his sentence halved after an appeal. Do you think that perhaps the Appeal Court thought what he did "wasn't that bad."

A Message For Survivors In Therapy

For survivors of child abuse. Just a little note to those dreading their next appointment with their therapist. I was quite alarmed whist reading a couple of survivor's blogs. They were expressing their fear at their next appointments in which they knew they had to face and talk about an episode of abuse. What they were to talk about had obviously been planned for their next session. The amount of distress they were going through was overwhelming. I am just going to say this to them or you. You Are In Control, not the therapist, You Decide when and what to talk about. A good therapist should know that taking risks like this can only lead to more damage.


I read yesterday that at any one time there are 750,000 Pedophiles on the Internet according to a report from the F.B.I. Shocking to say the least. You hear about the ones that are caught downloading Child Porn, thousands of vile images, so can I just ask what about the children in these images? Whose children are they? Is anyone looking for them? Where are these images coming from and what is being done about it? If you want to protect children then we all need to start asking a lot more questions. A wise woman once told me "Question everything". There hasn't been one week this month that I haven't read at least 2 reports of pedophiles convicted for downloading Child Porn. This being in my area alone. In these cases reporting of again of thousands of images so do the maths just how many children is that? During this month I have yet to read of any of them serving a Jail Term for this type of crime. These people are downloading pictures of children being raped, evidence of a crime. The message to pedophiles from the UK is we accept this. I hang my head in shame.

Wednesday 18 May 2011


I have been very thoughtful today, I realized how afraid I am when it comes to trust. I have always been over sensitive, when I hurt I really hurt. After being too trusting, too gullible I am just so very afraid. We give our trust blindly and don't realise it until it's too late. How on earth do you get it back. Will I be able to trust again, life is lonely keeping everyone at arms length. Perhaps I will die a lonely old lady. I imagine myself sitting in an armchair in a dark and dusty room. A cat and some old books for company. Guilt will be my friend and not because I want it as a friend but because we are stuck with each other. An unwelcomed guest that I invited in because I once trusted. Sad.

Tuesday 17 May 2011

Unspoken Message

I suppose there are many different views on why you self harm, some are more easily understood than others. The more ignorant can view it as attention seeking. Yes I'm afraid I did hear someone recently say that. A friend had slashed her wrists and  her CPN  (community mental health nurse) said it. I am not really sure myself but I can of course form my own opinions in order to try and understand it. Firstly it could be a cry for help, though I am not sure if I'm correct because my kids have done it where I can't see it. (to put it politely). So it is highly unlikely they would get any attention from that. Then I think there is anger and so much anger from being a victim of abuse that perhaps because they cannot project their anger onto the abuser they eventually turn on themselves. Punishing themselves or believing it's their fault? I myself have only once self harmed. It was shortly after my child's disclosure, I was emotionally in so much pain and so frustrated that I took a Stanley knife to my arm. The pain of it was a release, or maybe even a distraction from these emotions. I cannot explain it any other way. The only thing I do know is no one self harms for nothing, it is an unspoken message with many meanings but one answer. Help.

Monday 16 May 2011


When the abuse finally stops and there is no more need to fight to survive it. When they are left with the aftermath of this vile crime it then becomes a reality to be processed by the mind. I have watched the melt down of my children and it has been agonizing torture. Once they have disclosed and spoken those words there is no hiding or running away anymore, they have tried everything to escape their painful and traumatic memories. With a crime like this I don't think that enough focus is put on the mental suffering that these children and eventually adults go through. Reading blogs from other survivors this trauma to the mind is not repaired, it will carry on into adulthood, it is permanent. Taking years not to get better but to finds ways of coping. The not so lucky ones will use anything so they do not have to face what has happened. Alcohol, drugs and the ultimate escape suicide.We will never realise the damage that has been done to these children and make no mistake, caught or not caught the abuser will carry on with their life and the victims they are the ones who have the life sentence.

Sunday 15 May 2011

Where Was I

In my mind I see you there, crying by your bed
I see him screaming down at you
How could he curse you for being born
I'm trying hard to reach out to you but I am not there
We are in two different places and we cannot meet
My nightmares are of never being able to reach you
I feel as though I have left you there back in time
Has he taken you from me forever
Tell me where was I when you needed me?

I should step into that time to save you
I shall wrap myself around you
He will not hurt you again, I will not let him
I will bring you out untouched like it should be
You will have a safe and happy childhood
And I am hear when you need me.

If only I could make this happen for you
I want to take away your pain
Erase the damage he has done
Those memories should not be inside your head
And I would be there when you needed me

Please don't hurt this child anymore
Are we strong enough to fight this
I cannot bear the pain inside you
Can we find the strength together
And we can be together when you need me.

Saturday 14 May 2011

Forgotten Vow

During World War 2 the German Radical Community (A Network Of Abusers) carried out Genocide, they abused and murdered millions of men women and children. Humanity worldwide was shocked and traumatized by this event. Like all abusers they thought themselves superior to their victims. It was not one race but many races they targeted, Jewish, Polish, Gypsies and Russian soldiers etc. Age was of no meaning to them, the victims could of been 9 yrs old or 99yrs old. The world vowed to never let this happen again.
We know that abduction, trafficking, murder, rape, and abuse of our children happens every minute, hour and day.Who really knows how many, hundreds, thousands or millions, yes this is happening right now. Child Abusers are building their own networks to pass information and encourage these vile acts. It has somehow become acceptable in our society and that is shown in the lenience of sentences for these crimes. Its alright that reports of child abuse are found daily on the news and in the newspapers. How do these events seem normal to us and fail to shock us.Today we turn a blind eye instead of showing our outrage and contempt for these vile crimes against the most vulnerable in our society, we have forgotten our vow.

A Mask Of Justice

microsoft images

I am mulling over a conversation I had the other day with a survivor on Facebook. We discussed our situations and the need for alter egos whilst using Twitter. I joked that we were like Super Heroes hiding behind our masks but in reality its not funny at all. We shouldn't have to hide behind anything. We are not the Abusers yet we are the ones forced into hiding our identity in order to protect and safeguard ourselves and those who we love. I cannot for the life of me understand how people stand for the way in which the Justice System treats the ones who need protecting the most. I neither understand how the vast majority can carry on in life accepting this without question.

I do wonder over the years has the system been corrupted to suit the Abusers, there are those who would argue that every one is entitled to a fair chance to prove their innocence but the Abusers are being given more than a fair chance in the way that they abuse the system.We are empowering them by giving them Bail and expecting them to follow our rules. So many times we hear about Abusers committing offenses whilst out on bail, really is this fair.

After all is said and done what fairness was given to the children or victims that they so violently abused. Do they give them a moment of thought whilst they carry out these vile acts, no. If they are found guilty the sentence is minimum. Why is it that Scotland has the Lowest Convictions in these crimes, its because Victims see no sense in reporting the crime to a system that not only Bullies but cannot give Justice. We are no longer living in the Dark Ages it is the Year 2011.

Friday 13 May 2011

My Child On The Justice Situation

A Conversation Follows, my child explaining how to understand the situation we are in with the Justice System.My child says "It's like a board game, there's ladders and snakes and THING (Abuser) is right at the top. Number 100. We are at the bottom of the board, right down there." My child gestures with hands and stops to look at me to see if I understand, I beam back at my child full of pride. My child carries on "Sometimes we climb the ladders and get quite high then we hit a snake and slide back down again." My child sits back and shrugs. My child finds it difficult to explain from inside.I tell my child "You're so clever the way you see and explain things." Surely my child should be at number 100 on this board game.

Wednesday 11 May 2011

Hello Can You Help

Just a little note for some friends I have recently met. They would like your support, a story of Child Abuse waiting to be told. They are trying desperately to make this happen and are running out of time, show your support and lets make this happen. Click on the Link.

Tuesday 10 May 2011


Crime reported, waiting, waiting. Everything has come to a standstill. Life and time have paused, where are we? waiting. Days pass, weeks pass, months pass, waiting, waiting, waiting. Feeling numb after so many emotions, panic every time the phone rings, waiting for dates, having to tell the children, waiting, waiting, where are we, still, very still. Where are we, not back there at least, I know we are still not going forward. Years pass still waiting, why are we waiting? Sometimes I think I'm dying from the inside out. Why are we waiting so very long?, we want to move forward on the train to recovery, why are we waiting?, how long does it take?, who cares? Waiting, do we even matter? And him, still out there, waiting. Why are we waiting because of  him. Justice is cruel to victims, victims we don't want to be, let us move on to the next station and begin the journey to heal.

Words Of Ignorance

Why is it when you are trying to walk forward, somebody comes along and forces you further back than what you were in the first place. You'd think after everything my family have been through we wouldn't hurt so easily, but words through ignorance are the most painful and they I'm afraid to say are the ones that hurt the most. I am stuck in the skin of who I am, not much in the way of confidence, angry, sad, sometimes stupid and of course after all this a little or perhaps a lot mad but god forgive that I should hurt through words of ignorance.


My child cries because someone has hurt my child through ignorance. Instead of reaching out to my child when my child needed it most, the person has ran further and further away. This is for you my child, remember I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU,I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, YES I LOVE YOU !

Sunday 8 May 2011

I Wish You Could Love Yourself

I wish you could love yourself the way I do, instead you abuse yourself , a stab, scolding water, I am so horrified, you don't want or have the energy to wash or even comb your hair. Can I trust you not to drink again? when you drink you cannot cope with what goes on in your head. Drinking leads to substance abuse which fills you up in anger, how could you put that stuff inside you? I don't care what people think anymore when you are by my side but I care what they think of you, when did you last brush your teeth? Your breath could kill a dog. Why can't you look after yourself? look at the length of your nails, please come cut them. Wash your hands, come on I hate to nag, get to bed its 6am, get out of bed its 6pm. Change your clothes, come out of that room my god it smells, stop saying you don't care and look at the length of your nails! Please are you gonna wash today? What will you do today, what nothing, nothing at all, well just another day, back to your room then. aren't you bored. I wish you could love yourself the way I do.

The Kiss Of Kindness

If a child or a teenager or an adult discloses child abuse to you, the kindest thing you can do for them is to Believe them, give them The Kiss Of Kindness.


Words we don't say, dare not say, words strong enough to break the silence of any room, words so powerful, so frightening and so terrifying they will turn your reality into a living nightmare. We are so alarmed by these words that every measure possible is taken to evade them. These words can even cause deafness and in some cases blind you. When they are spoken you step into another world, a world that you cannot easily step back out of and even if your lucky enough to escape you won't come out whole. I heard these words and was thrown into this world. THE WORLD OF REALITY and the words that can cause so much devastation CHILD ABUSE!

                                      CHILD ABUSE

Saturday 7 May 2011


 (Illustration: Jared Rodriguez / t r u t h o u t)

The unseen child sees but is not noticed
The unseen child speaks but you cannot hear 
The unseen child is frightened but doesn't show it
The unseen child hides to cry and you cannot know it
The unseen child suffers but you cannot feel it
 The unseen child is lost but only in silence

In Recognition of my children and all children of abuse

My Mosaic heart

Disclosure will shattered your heart but it will not kill you, the broken heart can be mended. Your heart will not be as it was, your children’s love and strength can help to put the bits back together just like mine, how I love my new heart!!!

Friday 6 May 2011


There are many different types of abusers, most enjoy causing physical pain, they have to be in control and physical pain not only excites them but aids them to do this by instilling fear of pain, (I am trying to understand and process this too.) Then there's the other part, turning all blame onto the victim so the victim is the one at fault, you made me do it. To get to the children you have to get past the mother (as I was told) how did you do it ? Day after day I have driven myself to the brink searching, disecting and analysing. Its 3.30am and yet again I can't find my peaceful friend Sleep. So here goes, he did it by using Distraction, introducing problems that weren't there thats how I explain it and if need inventing problems. Somewhere along the line I was put inside myself with all my problems, or the problems and distractions of my own life. I hope this is making sense, anyway left inside your own mind, you are the problem. Like one of those tacky ships in a bottle with the cork in it. Am I making sense?. Yes so there I was in a bottle and disconnected with all the problems, which were many but can't talk about that at the moment. So there mother out of the way, now this abuser is  very dangerous . I never knew someone with so much confidence, something I envied so because of my lack of it, it is only now I see the risks he was taking.  

Thursday 5 May 2011

Justice, A Mission

I wish I was able to share this story with you, to release it from my chest where it lies, every now and then I have to swallow it back down as it tries to force an escape, sometimes when I'm talking I think I'm going to vomit it up on the spot but I am on the road to Justice, a mission my children are taking me on, I am petrified they will not suceed in their mission for justice as I have little faith in the system, I don't want them to fail, thats not an option for them. I'm on the road to justice and its not mine to step off. their mission to cage a monster so it can't ever hurt another child. In time when we come to the end of the road I will be able to share with you and to tell you about my amazing children whom I am totally in awe of.

Torn Open

My eyes were torn open to Child Abuse, I couldn't describe it any other way, my eyes are never going to mend, the damage is too bad, I will never see the way I used to see, now I see what I don't want to see, sometimes I close my eyes and hide and sometimes I force myself to see what I don't want to see. I see.

Tuesday 3 May 2011

UK It's Not OK

Its not OK, its not OK to rape children, its not OK to look away, its not OK to make them wait on you, its not OK for them to wait to have their say, it's not OK defence needs more time, it's not OK, it's not OK to tell them that's the way it is, it's not OK when the Justice System becomes the Abuser, it's not OK, it's shame on the UK.

I Met My Child

After disclosure and many reasuring words, my child spoke and I met my child for the very first time. I was truly taken aback by my child as we began to talk. As each day passes I get to know my child more and am devastated to say how could I of never known you.......I'm pleased to finally meet you child of mine. At last now my child is free to be.

Stupid Trust

It is said we believe what is told to us because it is what we expect to hear. Trust helps lies too.You trust someone because you think you know them. Just to help the lie along perhaps you know their parents or maybe their brothers and sisters or even their children. You'd trust someone you have known along time, because you thought you knew them. Even closer now, you'd trust your father, mother, brother, sister, husband............cause you think you knew them, you'd trust your children to tell you if they needed help cause...cause you think you knew them................. then what if they were so scared..... so frightened..... so afraid........ and so vulnerable..... what if they thought they were protecting you......yes I thought I knew someone once...........because I it me or am I just stupid ?

I Am Mother

I am mother, to my children's abuser FEAR ME, I am filled with unimaginable HATE, uncontrolable ANGER, I am mother. To my children, the sight of you takes my FEAR away, a simple touch fills me with LOVE, to feel you happy is when I'm CALM.
I am mother.
 I am Mother

Monday 2 May 2011

Monster Under Your Bed

When did you become a monster....... Were you a monster when we met..........Did you live under my baby's bed.........My baby swallowed a monster.....My baby swallowed a monster...............I need to get it out................My baby swallowed a monster.............Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeese......I need to get it OUT

You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore.............

Just so much thought used to go into the gifts you gave me, if there's one thing I know about IT is that everything he did was meant to impress, everything is done to get your attention, to impress you. But like most illusions your gifts meant nothing to me, I used to wonder I know, it's because I never felt the love with your gifts..............even more sick is how you used to get the children to present your gifts to me, was that after you had just raped them................twisted