My Child Speaks

My Child Speaks
and the dark angel gave the white angel a feather from his wing, the only thing to destroy him, could she use it............

Wednesday 29 June 2011

Wednesday's Quote For My Friends!

 In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

microsoft office image

Monday 27 June 2011

Mental Murder

One of those nights where I want to sleep but I cannot. I remember a story recently in the news, the story of Milly Dowler who went missing 9 years ago and died at the hands of Levi Bellfield. What keeps going round in my head is her parents remarks after the trail. Giving evidence as witnesses was too high a price to pay! I will come back to this case later.

 A question that I would like answered is why nobody in child abuse cases considers the mental murder of a child. The trauma to a child with this crime is never really mentioned or when it is, never in detail or given much thought or recognition. It is merely directed away from our attention the same way you would stop a child viewing violence on the television. We are not children so why is this not given its precedence.
A child is not an adult mentally or physically and where the body heals the mind never does. To commit such a crime to a child will mean that child as it existed no longer exists. The child's childhood ceases. It is a crime that goes without punishment or proper consideration because again I say we cannot admit that some of our kind can commit such a premeditated act of inhumanity. It is never truly examined by us or given any sense of explanation because it is not carried on the outside of the body but on the inside, unseen and unheard much like the crime itself.

Coming back to the Milly Dowler Case, there is far too much redirection in court cases where upon the victim is the one who is somewhat at fault and has in someway encouraged the crime itself. In the case of Milly Dowler the defence apparently placed the blame onto her parents by attacking their reputations.This form of defence is acceptable in our justice system. A family who had their much loved daughter abducted, abused and murdered. Persuaded as witnesses went into the trail of their daughter's abuser and murderer and whilst on the stand had the blame somehow directed onto them in an unbelievable attempt to excuse this mans crime. Has the world gone mad!!!!! 
Seemingly not according to the Law. It is OK to do this to enable a fair trail for the Child Abusing Murderer! Fact is the truth is all too ugly for us so we have to find an excuse for it somewhere and as the Dowler family were on the stand and not poor Milly ( who would of been blamed) it was her parents who were left totally humiliated and distraught. The saddest thing of all is the Dowler family have said that if they knew how they were going to be treated they would never of taken the stand so what message has the Justice System sent out to other victims! 

As a human being and with common sense my heart goes out to the Dowler family and their lovely Milly.
For me personally I fear for my children.

Sunday 26 June 2011

Everybody Hurts

microsoft images

Just been visiting one of the many blogs I visit. A blog I love to visit because of my admiration for this person and all she has endured and continues to battle with. As I left her a message and was about to leave I glance over her blog in case I had missed something and low and behold there it was. One of those mini gadgets that if you press play it plays a song the blogger has put on her blog. Only it wasn't the gadget itself but the song she had chosen.

Today I had had a normal day, haven't really had one of those for ages. A day when my brain was at peace within itself, calm almost asleep. It enabled me to catch up on all the jobs that I had been neglecting and I hardly had one flashback or thought about the reality of our lives. Yes a normal day, I am not sure how it happened or if I will have another but I have felt a release today and felt good at what I have been able to accomplish in one day. I have even made plans to fix the floor in the bathroom and redecorate it too, something I have had absolutely no motivation or even a thought for over these last months.

So there I was I had just sat down after running around catching up on all my chores. Taking up my position for the night.  Feet up, coffee in hand and laptop on lap. A lot of the time I try not to listen to music because of the emotional effect it has on my moods but coming face to face with this song I knew I was going to listen to it and yes I knew it would take me back to a place I am afraid to go back to, because of the pain and utter despair I was feeling, felt. The song R.E.M. Everybody Hurts and if you have been where I was you will know what this song is about and if you do in the words of R.E.M. Hold On !!!

Saturday 25 June 2011

Raining Troubles Away

Rain bursts from 
The summer time sky
Caught unaware we are
Sent into hysterical laughter
Like devilish kids up to
Silly, reckless nonsense

The noise of thunder
Cannot scare us
But invites a daily doze of
Welcomed excitement
Into our lives

Your blissful childish squeals 
Chase off our troubles
Sending them
Mixing and swirling with
Newly turned garden soil
And leaves cast from the tree washing together as they sweep Down a path 
Forced by the rain
 Hitting the kerb oversized raindrops
Bounce and splatter into
The gutter where they
Meet a timely end
  Down the greedy gurgling drain

Wednesday 22 June 2011

Wednesday's Quote

microsoft images
“The world is not dangerous because of those who do harm but because of those who look at it without doing anything”  Albert Einstein


 Purgatory meaning:  Any place or state of temporary suffering or oblivion.

Ever get days when your just not yourself ? Well we all have them in life, only mine are becoming more and more frequent. As this journey of ours has no end in sight, thought by now the daunting experience of court would be just a memory. I for the love of god wonder how we get anyone sentenced in our country. We live our lives in purgatory, stuck from moving forwards or backwards.

Time has no meaning here and instead of feeling free we feel restrained. I really don't know how I never saw this world before, such a cruel and unjust place. I am appalled by the way society treats each other, what I once regarded as capable is all too incapable.

I look around this very sad world today and all I see is failure, enhanced by a bunch of over indulgent political idiots bumbling and fumbling their way into power. With no real life experience they turn their target onto the most vulnerable in society who seem to always be paying for man kinds debt.  

For our part, we recognize that even in this life some punishments are purgatorial--not, indeed, to those whose life is none the better, but rather the worse for them, but to those who are constrained by them to amend their life. Saint Augustine City of God

Sunday 19 June 2011

Happy Non Abusing Fathers Day

Happy Father's Day to all non abusing fathers today. Take the time to reflect on how lucky you were/are to of had such a man for a father. Perhaps you will spare a thought for the children who were/are not so lucky too. There are many who use the title of father for there own purpose. The fathers who abuse and willingly destroy the very essence of childhood. The damage they do can never ever be measured. For the children of these fathers today I am thinking of you X.

Friday 17 June 2011


My tongue lies bitten 
Between my teeth
Snared against its will
Restricted words 
Not spoken  

It ignites the flame
Breeding life to anger  
Consuming and fueling 
It ravishes from within
Winning the battle for 
Control without justice

Prescribed a pill
Green little bullet
Causing the monster to
Return to its cave
To sit in submission
For now

Thursday 16 June 2011

Tuesday 14 June 2011



 All I ever wanted in life was to be able to understand. I have spent many hours searching, reading, talking and learning. Why is the only question never to be answered. Something even a child knows, I remember my children used to think it very funny when I gave an answer they would reply why. This would carry on no matter how many answers I gave them, followed by bouts of laughter.

Life, nothing ever made sense to me, I could try to explain it but because I did not understand what I was seeing, it was hard to put into words. Many people that suffer in this world will ask why, worst of all our children. to which I will never begin to understand.

I am not a religious person, I believe in one god yes, I don't belong to a church and I don't preach religion but I do get annoyed when I hear people blaming God for our suffering. My reasons are very clear to me, all too often man/woman uses him as an escape goat. Responsibility for our health and lives lies with us. People who hurt others must accept their responsibility and their friends, mothers, cousins, brothers or sisters must stop giving them excuses. Lenient sentences are dished out on a daily basis in our courts because perpetrators of crime can give so many excuses as to why it was not their fault.

We accept these excuses because as humans we cannot face up to our own kinds ability to commit such vile and cruel acts. I thoroughly believe that God does not make monsters, responsibility for that lies with us.

Sunday 12 June 2011

We Met For The Last Time

microsoft office

 Who the hell are you !
And the sensation of
Fear tingles up my spine
Flashing back to when we
last met !

I swallow my voice
Deep within a desperate
Gulp of air contaminated
By the scent of your presence

Flicker at Fight or flight
But I haven't got time
I find sanctuary by
Sliding inside my mind

As I lock you out behind
The thorny gate I see your
Filthy bloody fingers
Probing through

Hidden watching from
Far as you engulf my body
Crushing and constricting as
You entwine yourself around me

I step further back as the pain
threatens its way in
Focusing on your screaming lips
But unable to hear what is
So violently vomiting out of you

I reside myself to ride the
the waves of your anger
Praying that the storm will
calm and I shall return to me
Safely without too much damage

Friday 10 June 2011




microsoft clipart

I was looking at my comments today, I was left a message from a survivor saying how she wished she had a mother like me. It was such a lovely comment and it helped me to cry ( something I find hard to do ) even if it was just a little, because all I want to do is be able to cry, cry, cry and cry. Why would such a lovely comment make anyone cry. I cry because how can I be all that I want to be to my children when they were being abused right under my nose. 

Thursday 9 June 2011


I am going no where very fast. Sometimes I think we are pushing forward and then I realise we are back where we started. Yesterday I took one of my children to Family Therapy, yes we had been before but there has been a revamp of the center and our previous therapist has retired. So we were met by two new therapists. Of course everyone does things differently and though they seem very keen I still feel like we are further back than what we were in the first place.

They wanted to know what we wanted from them, it threw me a little because sometimes I just feel like I am the one teaching everyone else what to do, what to look for, what we need and how to help. Do they really have the experience and knowledge to actually help ease the pain of my child.

I feel that they are just not "getting it". I am a mother, my children disclosed abuse to me, I am out of my depth here, why are you asking me what to do ? Why is there no one available who can help my child to cope and help make sense of what has happened ? When you disclose and ask for help there should be someone there to help.

Only last year I asked about EMDR. Have to check with the courts incase we contaminate evidence. Asked again yesterday and they say same thing again, really they should know this.  I was able to tell them the answer because I picked the phone up and asked the court myself it was not hard, really!
What it comes down to is I have lost faith all over again and trying to hide it from my child in the hope that its just my stupid anxieties and that the next meeting will hold some promise of competence and help.

Microsoft Clipart RF/Corbis

What I would give to be on top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere and be able to scream out my frustration.

Saturday 4 June 2011

Dead Rainbows

Rainbow girl in all her glory
Head high lost in a dizzy sky
Donating bags of precious trust 
Oblivious careless child 
 Skirting the dust of deceit

Curiosity lead her astray
Straight to the Storm Spreader
Trapped little bird
Caged within his grip

 Black clouds eclipsed the day
Spears of light spat and
Scorched at her skin
As she ran bleeding
Footprints on the grass

Cursed and grounded now
Eyes torn open wide to see
Devastation grew from her seed
To be planted forever in her path
Dead rainbows have no colour


Photo from microsoft office

Thursday 2 June 2011

The Power In Our Hands

The power of the Internet, in today's world we have found ourselves one of the biggest voices that will ever be heard. Heard not by a few but by millions, society can no longer silence the injustices of man. We have found a way to be heard, to speak out. The internet has taken over from where society has failed, giving an outlet for those suffering but no longer in silence. We have the ability to communicate with people all over the world. The crimes against children in all its forms of abuse will not be accepted or covered up and hidden anymore. People cannot turn the other way because it will not be possible to silence millions demanding change, demanding Justice.

Wednesday 1 June 2011

POLL RESULTS 01/06/2011

For my own benefit I ran a Poll because I wanted to know what kind of effect the justice system has on victims of child abuse coming forward to report it to the Authorities in the year 2011. It was ran over 60 days. A big thank you to all of you who took part. The results do speak for themselves.

Question : If You Were A Victtim Of Child Abuse Did You Report It To The Authorities ?

1. Yes I Reported It                      15%

2. Yes But Did Not Report It         69%

3. Yes But No Further Action
     Was Taken                               15%

4. Yes But I Dropped The
     Charges                                       0%