Guilt

Guilt is visiting me today with a vengeance. Mainly because I had visited a survivors blog where in she blames her mother because she did not see what was happening to her when she was abused. I found it incredibly painful to read. I am at a loss to explain how your child can be abused under your nose. All I can say is that is where the grooming part comes in. As a mother I asked questions, actually I never stopped but I always came up against a brick wall.

Their abuser had an answer for everything. My children too scared to say anything that might give the abuse away and forced to protect the abuser, doctors who think you are an anxious and over protective mother and don't listen to a word you have to say.

In the end I believed that whatever my senses were telling me was all in my head and that I was mentally ill. It was what everyone around was implying. I too am well aware I failed to protect my children and yes I let them down. I live with this and it is unbearable and inexcusable. I will never be able to heal the damage that it has done.

Mental Murder

One of those nights where I want to sleep but I cannot. I remember a story recently in the news, the story of Milly Dowler who went missing 9 years ago and died at the hands of Levi Bellfield. What keeps going round in my head is her parents remarks after the trail. Giving evidence as witnesses was too high a price to pay! I will come back to this case later.

 A question that I would like answered is why nobody in child abuse cases considers the mental murder of a child. The trauma to a child with this crime is never really mentioned or when it is, never in detail or given much thought or recognition. It is merely directed away from our attention the same way you would stop a child viewing violence on the television. We are not children so why is this not given its precedence.

A child is not an adult mentally or physically and where the body heals the mind never does. To commit such a crime to a child will mean that child as it existed no longer exists. The child's childhood ceases. It is a crime that goes without punishment or proper consideration because again I say we cannot admit that some of our kind can commit such a premeditated act of inhumanity. It is never truly examined by us or given any sense of explanation because it is not carried on the outside of the body but on the inside, unseen and unheard much like the crime itself.

Coming back to the Milly Dowler Case, there is far too much redirection in court cases where upon the victim is the one who is somewhat at fault and has in someway encouraged the crime itself. In the case of Milly Dowler the defence apparently placed the blame onto her parents by attacking their reputations.This form of defence is acceptable in our justice system. A family who had their much loved daughter abducted, abused and murdered. Persuaded as witnesses went into the trail of their daughter's abuser and murderer and whilst on the stand had the blame somehow directed onto them in an unbelievable attempt to excuse this mans crime. Has the world gone mad!!!!! 

Seemingly not according to the Law. It is OK to do this to enable a fair trail for the Child Abusing Murderer! Fact is the truth is all too ugly for us so we have to find an excuse for it somewhere and as the Dowler family were on the stand and not poor Milly ( who would of been blamed) it was her parents who were left totally humiliated and distraught. The saddest thing of all is the Dowler family have said that if they knew how they were going to be treated they would never of taken the stand so what message has the Justice System sent out to other victims! 

As a human being and with common sense my heart goes out to the Dowler family and their lovely Milly.

For me personally I fear for my children.

Purgatory

 Purgatory meaning:  Any place or state of temporary suffering or oblivion.


Ever get days when your just not yourself ? Well we all have them in life, only mine are becoming more and more frequent. As this journey of ours has no end in sight, thought by now the daunting experience of court would be just a memory. I for the love of god wonder how we get anyone sentenced in our country. We live our lives in purgatory, stuck from moving forwards or backwards.

Time has no meaning here and instead of feeling free we feel restrained. I really don't know how I never saw this world before, such a cruel and unjust place. I am appalled by the way society treats each other, what I once regarded as capable is all too incapable.

I look around this very sad world today and all I see is failure, enhanced by a bunch of over indulgent political idiots bumbling and fumbling their way into power. With no real life experience they turn their target onto the most vulnerable in society who seem to always be paying for man kinds debt.  

Quote
For our part, we recognize that even in this life some punishments are purgatorial--not, indeed, to those whose life is none the better, but rather the worse for them, but to those who are constrained by them to amend their life. Saint Augustine City of God

Happy Non Abusing Fathers Day

Happy Father's Day to all non abusing fathers today. Take the time to reflect on how lucky you were/are to of had such a man for a father. Perhaps you will spare a thought for the children who were/are not so lucky too. There are many who use the title of father for there own purpose. The fathers who abuse and willingly destroy the very essence of childhood. The damage they do can never ever be measured. For the children of these fathers today I am thinking of you X.

EYES OPEN !

Sides

To me it is true to say, you can never know all of someone. There are many sides to all of us, to help you understand. All of us have the ability to mask how we are feeling, hide our lives from view. I can walk down the road and meet you, I smile we do the usual pleasantries but unbeknown to you I have just walked out of an argument. You see what I portray to you or what I want to portray to you. A person has many mirrors to themselves each reflecting parts of their personalities. We all adapt to situations we are in and the people we are with. The chap at the bar, always pleasant and quiet leaves the pub, goes home and beats his wife. The woman who cheats on her husband when supposedly visiting her sister. The nursery nurse who abuses the children in her care. We all need to start remembering that these events happen every day and it is awareness that will help us to protect. Our lives are so full of distractions that sometimes we miss what is really going on around us.

SORRY NO JUSTICE TODAY

Justice sorry no such thing, why, because the people in charge, the government who make our laws are detached from the reality of child abuse. They come from a world in which the only way pain is inflicted upon them is through money. Money talks and loudly, they would pay to keep a Bank Robber in jail but not a Paedophile. Theft of money hurts them more than the effects of people who rape and abuse children. To them its something that they have no empathy with, they too are abusers, abusers of power who do not and can not empathize with the pain, trauma and psychological effects of such an act on a child never mind an adult. They choose not to see, they choose to believe an abuser is sorry, give them bail, light sentences that in no way reflects the crime. Reality check, it only serves to encourage these vile crimes. They house them within our communities with our children. They have their opportunities to re offend handed to them on a plate. We accept this, we have not been able to find an alternative to deal with child abusers because we choose to ignore what is happening right under our noses. Is there an answer or a solution, my belief is there is an answer for everything, we may not know it yet but if we all opened our eyes and ears together we could find one.

NOT JUST WORDS NOW

RAPE  ABUSE  SODOMY  PAIN  CRIME

  FEAR DISASSOCIATION  COURT  SELF   HARM  DEFENCE ANGER  HATE  TRAUMA  SUICIDE  POLICE  DRUGS

  INSOMNIA  FLASHBACKS   PAEDOPHILE  PSYCHOTIC PSYCHOPATHIC  TWISTED   PETRIFIED  MASK  JUSTICE  LAWYER  

Sharing Trust

I was asked to guest blog by Vales mom last week, I wanted to say thank you, thank you for letting me share with you and your audience it has given my self esteem a very much needed boost. I would like to say thank you to all of you, knowing you hear me is a great comfort to me. Especially those of you who have been kind enough to leave a comment on my blog. I am trying to regain my trust in humanity and your kind words are a great support. In my first guest blog I have taken a leap of faith and I am sharing with you a little bit of me during the day my heart broke. The website is here for you http://tinyurl.com/3j9g9jb

Chasing Sleep

I lie in my bed most nights listening to my child. Sleep does not come easy, memories are a plague for my children, what must it be like to be petrified to close your eyes for fear of what you might see. My child says it transports you back to the time of abuse. The abuse is happening right in front of my child standing at the memory. To close your eyes and relive it night after night and what can I do to help, sometimes child will come into my room when it is really bad. We make child a bed on the floor at the bottom of mine as child is too big to sleep with me now. Just lately it is getting worse, I am not really sure what to do any more. Does abuse never leave them alone. So tired today.

http://karenswhimsy.com/public-domain-images

A Message For Survivors In Therapy

For survivors of child abuse. Just a little note to those dreading their next appointment with their therapist. I was quite alarmed whist reading a couple of survivor's blogs. They were expressing their fear at their next appointments in which they knew they had to face and talk about an episode of abuse. What they were to talk about had obviously been planned for their next session. The amount of distress they were going through was overwhelming. I am just going to say this to them or you. You Are In Control, not the therapist, You Decide when and what to talk about. A good therapist should know that taking risks like this can only lead to more damage.

Question

I read yesterday that at any one time there are 750,000 Pedophiles on the Internet according to a report from the F.B.I. Shocking to say the least. You hear about the ones that are caught downloading Child Porn, thousands of vile images, so can I just ask what about the children in these images? Whose children are they? Is anyone looking for them? Where are these images coming from and what is being done about it? If you want to protect children then we all need to start asking a lot more questions. A wise woman once told me "Question everything". There hasn't been one week this month that I haven't read at least 2 reports of pedophiles convicted for downloading Child Porn. This being in my area alone. In these cases reporting of again of thousands of images so do the maths just how many children is that? During this month I have yet to read of any of them serving a Jail Term for this type of crime. These people are downloading pictures of children being raped, evidence of a crime. The message to pedophiles from the UK is we accept this. I hang my head in shame.

Unspoken Message

I suppose there are many different views on why you self harm, some are more easily understood than others. The more ignorant can view it as attention seeking. Yes I'm afraid I did hear someone recently say that. A friend had slashed her wrists and  her CPN  (community mental health nurse) said it. I am not really sure myself but I can of course form my own opinions in order to try and understand it. Firstly it could be a cry for help, though I am not sure if I'm correct because my kids have done it where I can't see it. (to put it politely). So it is highly unlikely they would get any attention from that. Then I think there is anger and so much anger from being a victim of abuse that perhaps because they cannot project their anger onto the abuser they eventually turn on themselves. Punishing themselves or believing it's their fault? I myself have only once self harmed. It was shortly after my child's disclosure, I was emotionally in so much pain and so frustrated that I took a Stanley knife to my arm. The pain of it was a release, or maybe even a distraction from these emotions. I cannot explain it any other way. The only thing I do know is no one self harms for nothing, it is an unspoken message with many meanings but one answer. Help.

Aftermath

When the abuse finally stops and there is no more need to fight to survive it. When they are left with the aftermath of this vile crime it then becomes a reality to be processed by the mind. I have watched the melt down of my children and it has been agonizing torture. Once they have disclosed and spoken those words there is no hiding or running away anymore, they have tried everything to escape their painful and traumatic memories. With a crime like this I don't think that enough focus is put on the mental suffering that these children and eventually adults go through. Reading blogs from other survivors this trauma to the mind is not repaired, it will carry on into adulthood, it is permanent. Taking years not to get better but to finds ways of coping. The not so lucky ones will use anything so they do not have to face what has happened. Alcohol, drugs and the ultimate escape suicide.We will never realise the damage that has been done to these children and make no mistake, caught or not caught the abuser will carry on with their life and the victims they are the ones who have the life sentence.

Forgotten Vow

During World War 2 the German Radical Community (A Network Of Abusers) carried out Genocide, they abused and murdered millions of men women and children. Humanity worldwide was shocked and traumatized by this event. Like all abusers they thought themselves superior to their victims. It was not one race but many races they targeted, Jewish, Polish, Gypsies and Russian soldiers etc. Age was of no meaning to them, the victims could of been 9 yrs old or 99yrs old. The world vowed to never let this happen again.

We know that abduction, trafficking, murder, rape, and abuse of our children happens every minute, hour and day.Who really knows how many, hundreds, thousands or millions, yes this is happening right now. Child Abusers are building their own networks to pass information and encourage these vile acts. It has somehow become acceptable in our society and that is shown in the lenience of sentences for these crimes. Its alright that reports of child abuse are found daily on the news and in the newspapers. How do these events seem normal to us and fail to shock us.Today we turn a blind eye instead of showing our outrage and contempt for these vile crimes against the most vulnerable in our society, we have forgotten our vow.

A Mask Of Justice

microsoft images

I am mulling over a conversation I had the other day with a survivor on Facebook. We discussed our situations and the need for alter egos whilst using Twitter. I joked that we were like Super Heroes hiding behind our masks but in reality its not funny at all. We shouldn't have to hide behind anything. We are not the Abusers yet we are the ones forced into hiding our identity in order to protect and safeguard ourselves and those who we love. I cannot for the life of me understand how people stand for the way in which the Justice System treats the ones who need protecting the most. I neither understand how the vast majority can carry on in life accepting this without question.

I do wonder over the years has the system been corrupted to suit the Abusers, there are those who would argue that every one is entitled to a fair chance to prove their innocence but the Abusers are being given more than a fair chance in the way that they abuse the system.We are empowering them by giving them Bail and expecting them to follow our rules. So many times we hear about Abusers committing offenses whilst out on bail, really is this fair.

After all is said and done what fairness was given to the children or victims that they so violently abused. Do they give them a moment of thought whilst they carry out these vile acts, no. If they are found guilty the sentence is minimum. Why is it that Scotland has the Lowest Convictions in these crimes, its because Victims see no sense in reporting the crime to a system that not only Bullies but cannot give Justice. We are no longer living in the Dark Ages it is the Year 2011.

Searching

There are many different types of abusers, most enjoy causing physical pain, they have to be in control and physical pain not only excites them but aids them to do this by instilling fear of pain, (I am trying to understand and process this too.) Then there's the other part, turning all blame onto the victim so the victim is the one at fault, you made me do it. To get to the children you have to get past the mother (as I was told) how did you do it ? Day after day I have driven myself to the brink searching, disecting and analysing. Its 3.30am and yet again I can't find my peaceful friend Sleep. So here goes, he did it by using Distraction, introducing problems that weren't there thats how I explain it and if need inventing problems. Somewhere along the line I was put inside myself with all my problems, or the problems and distractions of my own life. I hope this is making sense, anyway left inside your own mind, you are the problem. Like one of those tacky ships in a bottle with the cork in it. Am I making sense?. Yes so there I was in a bottle and disconnected with all the problems, which were many but can't talk about that at the moment. So there mother out of the way, now this abuser is  very dangerous . I never knew someone with so much confidence, something I envied so because of my lack of it, it is only now I see the risks he was taking.  

Hello

Hello,

I have been on Twitter, I suppose because it has given me somewhere to escape to and to express myself. Maybe it could be called my time out............. I feel there are just so many thoughts going round in my head almost as if I'm on the fast spin cycle of a washing machine. Using Twitter has helped me to release a little but I feel it's time to take it further and I hope you will join me, I look forward to your company and to share with you in the hope of making a difference to the way victims of child abuse are treated in todays justice system in the UK..............