Am wondering if people are still following this blog and just to let you all know..........................I am not done yet, wishing you all strength and happiness for 2013. Let it be the year for Truth, there's no more hiding as the silence will break....

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Part 2 The Trail

Tell me what went wrong in this case? After over 2 years nearly 3 and over 7 Preliminary Hearings. The case was given a floating trail date. The wait and trauma of the Scottish Justice System was an unbelievable curse upon my children. The Defence ran circles around the Prosecution Team. Every time it went to court for a Preliminary Hearing there was a different Judge handing out sympathetic time to the Defence. The victims in this case had there lives put on hold as they were left living in Purgatory. The whole process can only be described as Inhumane.

Fact is my children became ill, their mental health suffered terribly, every time they thought they would get a date it was continued to the next Preliminary hearing.  My youngest became very ill and ended up in hospital with kidney problems as yet they are unsure what caused his illness, I just think his poor immune system could not cope with the mental cruelty of the Justice System. Throughout the court procedure it is the defendant in court who is seen and heard via his defence and our soft hearted judges listen to them.

When i would tell people about this whole procedure they just couldn't believe this possible. The Justice System wore my children down both mentally and physically.

On the day before the Trail they told us not to turn up. The same happened the next day. (Did you realise what you were doing to my children). On the third we were told to come to a meeting with the Deputy Advocate whom we had never met.

 She was given our case 2 weeks before the trail ???????
When we got there she was not there but the original Procurator Fiscal ?????
He did not really seem to know why he was there either or did he?

 We went over the case he told us how I would be ripped to pieces in the witness box and how the Defence would go after my youngest ( due to his vulnerability, mental health problems caused by physical and sexual abuse ).

The next day we were told not to turn up but meet the Deputy advocate again the following day. We were meant to be at court giving our evidence what in God's name was going on hear?

 We were told he had made a plea ?

 Our hearts lifted.

 We were ecstatic could this finally be The End!

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: Part 1 (PreTrail)

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: Part 1 (PreTrail): It has taken me several weeks to come to terms with the final outcome of our journey along this very cruel road to justice. I could just ...

Part 1 (PreTrail)

It has taken me several weeks to come to terms with the final outcome of our journey along this very cruel road  to justice. I could just take a right turn and walk away from it all but that would not be me because I am always my own worst enemy. What drives me many would argue is insanity, I myself do it because I am a mother, these are my children and I see every day the damage that child abuse does. Over two years we waited, 7 preliminary court hearings all manipulated by the defence. Sadly during a time my children were coming to terms with their new lives away from their abuser. The reality and having to share their abuse with the police, the procurator fiscal and of course me. Maybe my anger blinded me to their capability of actually dealing with this undated and abusing procedure of trying to take their abuser to court.  I thought ultimately it would help them with their recovery, it was wrong that this happened, he could not do this and walk away from what he had done and of course the fear of what he might do to another child.

 

 

Again like the fool I am I encourage them.  I trusted the PF and the Justice System to stop this man but as always he was away head of us, over time it became apparent that he had been planning his defence for some time.  It shouldn't really of come as a surprise abusers are very clever.  Sadly after each prelimary hearing being continued and him getting more and more time it was like a kick in the face to the children and me. I can truly say that it had an immense impact on our mental health.  More so for my youngest who began to suffer more and more as time went on. When we left he was still so very young and he had just begun to go through puberty which is hard enough but so traumatic if you have been sexually abused.

 

 

They gave us a date even though there were things that the PF had not put in place even 2 weeks before the trail.  A floating trail too which meant even though we had a date it might not start on that date, could start the day after or day after that and all this uncertainty affecting my children mentally and showing the amount of empathy the court system has for victims of child abuse .  My child was to have a named supporter to sit with him whilst giving evidence and at this date the supporter had not been cleared by the courts, they tell you in the court leaflets you will know what Judge is taking the case but this was completely untrue right up to the trail date we never knew the Judge or even met the Deputy Advocate who was taking our case. Maybe because this trail was never going to happen.

 

To be continued 

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: Cruel Intentions

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: Cruel Intentions: Meeting with my destiny A future filled with cruel Intentions Your love is black and cold in daylight And I am blinded by your pres...

Cruel Intentions

Meeting with my destiny

A future filled with cruel Intentions

Your love is black and cold in daylight

And I am blinded by your presence

Don't you know me

Don't you recognize me

Yes I am raw, skinless

Look what you have done to me

I know you now

I see you now

Unmasked through the eyes of a child

I know you and I know all of you

I SEE you now

                                                                               

            Listen To Heaven By Emeli Sande

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: YOUR RESPONSIBILITY NOW

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: YOUR RESPONSIBILITY NOW: We have given everything and done all that has been asked of us, soon we shall stand up in court and break the silence of the most unspeak...

YOUR RESPONSIBILITY NOW

We have given everything and done all that has been asked of us, soon we shall stand up in court and break the silence of the most unspeakable abuse. Once we have spoken we can do no more. To the Justice System and to the Jury our ABUSER is now YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!! To my children, Be strong once more, I hear you! I HEAR YOU, I HEAR YOU NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!!!! I AM IN AWE OF YOU, I AM THE LUCKIEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD TO HAVE YOU AS MY CHILDREN. BE BRAVE MY HEROES FOR I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MUM XX

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: Nothing To Say?

Please Avoid The Road To Justice: Nothing To Say?: I guess there is times when I have nothing to say ( unbelievable you might think ) Times when I guess nothing comes out. Limbo is where we...

Nothing To Say?

I guess there is times when I have nothing to say ( unbelievable you might think ) Times when I guess nothing comes out. Limbo is where we are, our lives in the hands of others, a scary thought when you have lost faith in the world. Time will eventually run out and catch us all. I only hope for us there is a future or at least it will bring an end to the emotional turmoil that this long road to justice has inflicted on us.

Guilt

Guilt is visiting me today with a vengeance. Mainly because I had visited a survivors blog where in she blames her mother because she did not see what was happening to her when she was abused. I found it incredibly painful to read. I am at a loss to explain how your child can be abused under your nose. All I can say is that is where the grooming part comes in. As a mother I asked questions, actually I never stopped but I always came up against a brick wall.

Their abuser had an answer for everything. My children too scared to say anything that might give the abuse away and forced to protect the abuser, doctors who think you are an anxious and over protective mother and don't listen to a word you have to say.

In the end I believed that whatever my senses were telling me was all in my head and that I was mentally ill. It was what everyone around was implying. I too am well aware I failed to protect my children and yes I let them down. I live with this and it is unbearable and inexcusable. I will never be able to heal the damage that it has done.

Could you....

 

Could you take my hand

And lead me into the rain

So I can be clean again......

Emotional Drowning

There is a state or condition in life when your mind is overloaded with pain, not physical pain but a pain so intense it is like emotional drowning. It is very hard to explain this because I have never spoken to another mum who has heard her children speak about physical and sexual abuse. At first as I listened, it was anger the likes of I never imagined I could feel that took over. I made the mistake of trying to help them by letting them talk about the abuse to me, mainly because there was no one else to help.

I tried not to let my anger and pain show. To do this I had to leave anger in the background,only to be overwhelmed with indescribable, unbearable emotional  pain that surfaced. In many ways it was easier to deal with the anger and still is but then that only leads you to self destruct. You turn the anger on yourself out of pure frustration of not being able to get your hands on the bastard.

The result of taking on this mammoth task was that literally it almost killed me. I write this to let you know that the lack of help and support when you are in this nightmare is unforgivable. I know I am still raw yet but I also know nothing will ever, ever make me whole again. What is left of me is barely nothing and what is left of my children is frighteningly unknown.

To the outside world you would never know if you passed us in the street but we hold our masks tight after all the children use them like second skins, of course they have lived with these masks for a long time.

Empower

Pick up a pen and write what you feel

If your preference is paint then express

With colour and bare your emotions

Pay no attention to those doubting thought

A toddlers scribble can be as valuable

As an old master's painting

We all have something to share and each of us

Has the power to enlighten

You have earnt the right by

Stepping in the footsteps of life

Remember communication is all that matters

Perfection is silent but mistakes speak volumes

Be yourself for I am not a writer

But you are here sharing with me

Reclaim your voice and empower yourself

The Fight Goes On

As the title suggests, even when I am not visible I am still fighting. Stress causes illness, avoid stress ! And I think your having a laugh. Seriously though, if it is not one it is the other. 

 

Oh, for a holiday on a cozy beach where the sun shines until it is time to sleep and yes you are all invited too!

 

I have been quite too long and it is time for this mum to let rip and sort what is not being done, seems I spend my life these days pushing everyone else into action without the benefits of being paid.

 

Letting David Cameron our PM know we feel your cuts and wondering if the bankers are enjoying the high life as usual mmmmmmmmm.

 

Hugs to you all x

Sorry

Sorry its been a while since I have blogged mainly due to family stuff, so limited to what I can say but I have missed you all, sometimes you can be so distracted with your blog that it can become an escape from reality. It is something I must be more aware of. For me it is hard to step out from myself and my own mind. Thoughts and memories are not easily to escape from unless I plunge myself into something else and get completely involved in it but then I neglect other things needing my attention. My children must always be first.

Wednesday's Quote For My Friends!

 In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

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Mental Murder

One of those nights where I want to sleep but I cannot. I remember a story recently in the news, the story of Milly Dowler who went missing 9 years ago and died at the hands of Levi Bellfield. What keeps going round in my head is her parents remarks after the trail. Giving evidence as witnesses was too high a price to pay! I will come back to this case later.

 A question that I would like answered is why nobody in child abuse cases considers the mental murder of a child. The trauma to a child with this crime is never really mentioned or when it is, never in detail or given much thought or recognition. It is merely directed away from our attention the same way you would stop a child viewing violence on the television. We are not children so why is this not given its precedence.

A child is not an adult mentally or physically and where the body heals the mind never does. To commit such a crime to a child will mean that child as it existed no longer exists. The child's childhood ceases. It is a crime that goes without punishment or proper consideration because again I say we cannot admit that some of our kind can commit such a premeditated act of inhumanity. It is never truly examined by us or given any sense of explanation because it is not carried on the outside of the body but on the inside, unseen and unheard much like the crime itself.

Coming back to the Milly Dowler Case, there is far too much redirection in court cases where upon the victim is the one who is somewhat at fault and has in someway encouraged the crime itself. In the case of Milly Dowler the defence apparently placed the blame onto her parents by attacking their reputations.This form of defence is acceptable in our justice system. A family who had their much loved daughter abducted, abused and murdered. Persuaded as witnesses went into the trail of their daughter's abuser and murderer and whilst on the stand had the blame somehow directed onto them in an unbelievable attempt to excuse this mans crime. Has the world gone mad!!!!! 

Seemingly not according to the Law. It is OK to do this to enable a fair trail for the Child Abusing Murderer! Fact is the truth is all too ugly for us so we have to find an excuse for it somewhere and as the Dowler family were on the stand and not poor Milly ( who would of been blamed) it was her parents who were left totally humiliated and distraught. The saddest thing of all is the Dowler family have said that if they knew how they were going to be treated they would never of taken the stand so what message has the Justice System sent out to other victims! 

As a human being and with common sense my heart goes out to the Dowler family and their lovely Milly.

For me personally I fear for my children.

Everybody Hurts

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Just been visiting one of the many blogs I visit. A blog I love to visit because of my admiration for this person and all she has endured and continues to battle with. As I left her a message and was about to leave I glance over her blog in case I had missed something and low and behold there it was. One of those mini gadgets that if you press play it plays a song the blogger has put on her blog. Only it wasn't the gadget itself but the song she had chosen.

Today I had had a normal day, haven't really had one of those for ages. A day when my brain was at peace within itself, calm almost asleep. It enabled me to catch up on all the jobs that I had been neglecting and I hardly had one flashback or thought about the reality of our lives. Yes a normal day, I am not sure how it happened or if I will have another but I have felt a release today and felt good at what I have been able to accomplish in one day. I have even made plans to fix the floor in the bathroom and redecorate it too, something I have had absolutely no motivation or even a thought for over these last months.

So there I was I had just sat down after running around catching up on all my chores. Taking up my position for the night.  Feet up, coffee in hand and laptop on lap. A lot of the time I try not to listen to music because of the emotional effect it has on my moods but coming face to face with this song I knew I was going to listen to it and yes I knew it would take me back to a place I am afraid to go back to, because of the pain and utter despair I was feeling, felt. The song R.E.M. Everybody Hurts and if you have been where I was you will know what this song is about and if you do in the words of R.E.M. Hold On !!!