There is a state or condition in life when your mind is overloaded with pain, not physical pain but a pain so intense it is like emotional drowning. It is very hard to explain this because I have never spoken to another mum who has heard her children speak about physical and sexual abuse. At first as I listened, it was anger the likes of I never imagined I could feel that took over. I made the mistake of trying to help them by letting them talk about the abuse to me, mainly because there was no one else to help.
I tried not to let my anger and pain show. To do this I had to leave anger in the background,only to be overwhelmed with indescribable, unbearable emotional pain that surfaced. In many ways it was easier to deal with the anger and still is but then that only leads you to self destruct. You turn the anger on yourself out of pure frustration of not being able to get your hands on the bastard.
The result of taking on this mammoth task was that literally it almost killed me. I write this to let you know that the lack of help and support when you are in this nightmare is unforgivable. I know I am still raw yet but I also know nothing will ever, ever make me whole again. What is left of me is barely nothing and what is left of my children is frighteningly unknown.
I tried not to let my anger and pain show. To do this I had to leave anger in the background,only to be overwhelmed with indescribable, unbearable emotional pain that surfaced. In many ways it was easier to deal with the anger and still is but then that only leads you to self destruct. You turn the anger on yourself out of pure frustration of not being able to get your hands on the bastard.
The result of taking on this mammoth task was that literally it almost killed me. I write this to let you know that the lack of help and support when you are in this nightmare is unforgivable. I know I am still raw yet but I also know nothing will ever, ever make me whole again. What is left of me is barely nothing and what is left of my children is frighteningly unknown.
To the outside world you would never know if you passed us in the street but we hold our masks tight after all the children use them like second skins, of course they have lived with these masks for a long time.
You have spoken,perhaps unknowingly,to another mum, me. I know exactly what you are saying.
ReplyDeleteThe years change how we deal with it, but never obliterates, the heartache and pain.
I guess I can't say much to help you just now, but to let you know I am here.
@sheepfoldcarer
I am here for you too. I know the pain you feel from the perspective of your children. They can and will heal, even if it takes years. The void you feel and they feel will never go away entirely. But it will lessen if you can get the right help. There are ways to let go...but only in your time, in their time. It cannot be forced or rushed. The only way to the other side is THROUGH the pain. I KNOW this is not easy. But, the strenth is inside of all of you. Please never give up. When your anger takes over, find a way to let it out...scream in a pillow, hit a pillow. Try not to keep it in. Anger is not BAD. It is the fire of anger that keeps the pain and the depression from growing like cancer. Take care.
ReplyDeletePeace, Nico.
Dear sweet mother,
ReplyDeleteIt appears you have two people above who have stepped up to listen. Yet, I will be a third to stand beside you, sit beside you, cry with you, hold you while you fall apart.
Being a Mom, it is hard to bridle the anger of wanting to come right now and cause the end of life to the person who has hurt my children.
And, after getting through to the other side of anger, pain and hurt, I am not the same. However, the safe friends I was able to confide in helped me get through to the other side of it.
Much love, even though I don't know you. I'm sending love.
Thank you sharon I am honoured to have you standing beside us. m4j
ReplyDelete