Guilt

Guilt is visiting me today with a vengeance. Mainly because I had visited a survivors blog where in she blames her mother because she did not see what was happening to her when she was abused. I found it incredibly painful to read. I am at a loss to explain how your child can be abused under your nose. All I can say is that is where the grooming part comes in. As a mother I asked questions, actually I never stopped but I always came up against a brick wall.

Their abuser had an answer for everything. My children too scared to say anything that might give the abuse away and forced to protect the abuser, doctors who think you are an anxious and over protective mother and don't listen to a word you have to say.

In the end I believed that whatever my senses were telling me was all in my head and that I was mentally ill. It was what everyone around was implying. I too am well aware I failed to protect my children and yes I let them down. I live with this and it is unbearable and inexcusable. I will never be able to heal the damage that it has done.

Could you....

 

Could you take my hand

And lead me into the rain

So I can be clean again......

Emotional Drowning

There is a state or condition in life when your mind is overloaded with pain, not physical pain but a pain so intense it is like emotional drowning. It is very hard to explain this because I have never spoken to another mum who has heard her children speak about physical and sexual abuse. At first as I listened, it was anger the likes of I never imagined I could feel that took over. I made the mistake of trying to help them by letting them talk about the abuse to me, mainly because there was no one else to help.

I tried not to let my anger and pain show. To do this I had to leave anger in the background,only to be overwhelmed with indescribable, unbearable emotional  pain that surfaced. In many ways it was easier to deal with the anger and still is but then that only leads you to self destruct. You turn the anger on yourself out of pure frustration of not being able to get your hands on the bastard.

The result of taking on this mammoth task was that literally it almost killed me. I write this to let you know that the lack of help and support when you are in this nightmare is unforgivable. I know I am still raw yet but I also know nothing will ever, ever make me whole again. What is left of me is barely nothing and what is left of my children is frighteningly unknown.

To the outside world you would never know if you passed us in the street but we hold our masks tight after all the children use them like second skins, of course they have lived with these masks for a long time.

Empower

Pick up a pen and write what you feel

If your preference is paint then express

With colour and bare your emotions

Pay no attention to those doubting thought

A toddlers scribble can be as valuable

As an old master's painting

We all have something to share and each of us

Has the power to enlighten

You have earnt the right by

Stepping in the footsteps of life

Remember communication is all that matters

Perfection is silent but mistakes speak volumes

Be yourself for I am not a writer

But you are here sharing with me

Reclaim your voice and empower yourself